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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

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Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
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I get depressed at airports.
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He doesn’t sound like a guy who’s done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
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Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
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I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.
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I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.
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Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
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If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
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I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.
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If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife’s side of the bed at night.
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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