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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.

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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
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But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn’t imagine it.
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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
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Life is just the time between crapping yourself.
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I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
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Like Performing Radio Stuff Television Watching
I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.
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All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
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I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
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I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.
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We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.
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I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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