I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
ADAM CAROLLAAs I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.
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I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
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That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.
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That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?
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Telling them to stop isn’t going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.
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There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
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I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.
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The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
ADAM CAROLLA