People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
ADAM CAROLLAAs I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
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If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.
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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
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Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.
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There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
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When I’m in power, here’s how I’m gonna put the country back on its feet. I’m going to put sterilizing agents in the following products: Sunny Delight, Mountain Dew, and Thick-Crust Pizza. Only the ‘tardiest of the ‘tards like the thick crust.
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I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
ADAM CAROLLA






