I don’t like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it’s the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they’re pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.
ADAM CAROLLAWe’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I know everything because I know nothing.
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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Figure out what to do, then take a nap.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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I am not a good cue card reader.
ADAM CAROLLA -
So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
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I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
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There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
ADAM CAROLLA






