One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
MITCH HEDBERGI like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
More Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
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A friend said to me, “I think the weather is trippy.” I said, “No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it’s the way we perceive it.” And then I realized I just should have said, “Yeah.”
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I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too, I tried to taste it, but it did not work’.
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I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.
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I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
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I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.
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I’d hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.
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My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?
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I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
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Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
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I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.
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I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, “this is not a library!” “OK! I will talk louder, then!”
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I’ve never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
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I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
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I want to ride in a cold air balloon. “This isn’t going anywhere!”
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You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
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I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
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I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
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You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don’t want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
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I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So I got a cake.
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I think football is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
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Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
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I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
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I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
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Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I’m throwing a Frisbee.
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I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
MITCH HEDBERG