“I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.”

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.

Try till you succeed, if you don’t succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

Don’t let circumstances distress you. Rather, look for the will of God for your life to be revealed in and through those circumstances.

Tell him yes. Even if you are dying of fear, even if you are sorry later, because whatever you do, you will be sorry all the rest of your life if you say no.

Having once found the intensity of art, nothing else that can happen in life can ever again seem as important as the creative process.

God does not expect us to imitate Jesus Christ; He expects us to allow the life of Jesus to be manifested in our moral flesh.

If we perceived life with reverence, we would stand in awe at the experience of physical life and walk the earth in a very deep sense of gratitude.

Life is bendable to our will more than we know. In fact, that’s the deal. If we don’t know that life bends to our will, it will not. So the trick is to know that life is on our side — and but awaits our command.

Be as simple as you can be; you will be astonished to see how uncomplicated and happy your life can become.

Public schools in the late ’80s and early ’90s were a total mess… we felt that if I was going to have a good educational option in my life, I would have to go to a public school district that actually served its children.