I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDSIf you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS