“I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.”

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

I like children. If they’re properly cooked.

I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.

I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.

I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

I never met a kid I liked.

Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

The proper definition of a man is an animal that writes letters.

People’s hearts are like wild animals. They attach their selves to those that love and train them.

The animal needing something knows how much it needs, the man does not.

As long as man continues to be the ruthless destroyer of lower living beings he will never know health or peace. For as long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other.

The soul of man is divided into three parts, intelligence, reason, and passion. Intelligence and passion are possessed by other animals, but reason by man alone.

As long as men massacre animals, they will kill each other. Indeed, he who sows the seeds of murder and pain cannot reap the joy of love.

Man in his arrogance thinks himself a great work, worthy of the interposition of a deity. More humble, and I believe truer, to consider him created from animals.

Animals never worry about Heaven or Hell. Neither do I. Maybe that’s why we get along.