There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
W. C. FIELDSI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS