During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
W. C. FIELDSYou can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
W. C. FIELDS -
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it’s only a question of degree.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
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Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -to make people laugh.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS