“Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.”

I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

But helpless Pieces of the Game He plays Upon this Checker-board of Nights and Days; Hither and thither moves, and checks, and slays, And one by one back in the Closet lays.

The people we love live in the moon. Guiding us on our darkest nights.

A grandparent is the only baby-sitter who doesn’t charge more after midnight – or anything before midnight.

Engage with the Bible. Meditate on it day and night. Think and rethink about God’s Word. Let it be your guide. Make it your go-to book for questions. Let it be the ultimate authority in your life.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night.

It was incredible being on tour with Taylor Swift: she was the epitome of a professional, and she works so hard. For someone as successful as her to work that hard every night – truly inspirational.

The night is wine and we’re the stars.

I can’t sleep without knowing there’s hope. Half the night I waste in sighs. In a wakeful doze I sorrow. For the hands, for the lips… the eyes. For the meeting of tomorrow.