A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
W. C. FIELDSPhiladelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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I’m looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
W. C. FIELDS