Take me down to the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together!
W. C. FIELDSPhiladelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
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Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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I drink therefore I am.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS






