I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.
W. C. FIELDSAlcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS -
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
W. C. FIELDS -
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
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I don’t drink anymore, on the other hand I don’t drink any less either.
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I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
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There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS