The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDSFew things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
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I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.
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If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
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It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
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I don’t drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
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Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
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Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.
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If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.
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The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.
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A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.
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Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
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You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
W. C. FIELDS