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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS

Better Sex Worst
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
W. C. FIELDS

Born Lose People
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Believe
When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
W. C. FIELDS

Morning Smile Wake Up Yourself
Yes I do like children, Girl children, about eighteen or twenty.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself Woman
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Food
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Illusion Reality
Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!
W. C. FIELDS

Food Funny
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Myself Perspective Sea
Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS

Trust Yourself
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
W. C. FIELDS

Goodness Lost Myself Night Thankful
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. FIELDS

Friendship Life Marriage Necessary Old Relationship
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
W. C. FIELDS

Beautiful Experience Life

You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

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