Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDSYou can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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I never drink water. I’m afraid it will become habit-forming.
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I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
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I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
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Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.
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Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
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I must have a drink of breakfast.
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Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
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Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
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If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
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You can’t trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. FIELDS