“I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.”

I must have a drink of breakfast.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

You can fool some of the people some of the time and that’s enough to make a decent living.

When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.

I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

Attachment has a self-centered approach to love, where you focus too much on how your partner makes you feel and not enough on treating them well. Connection has more room for balance, where you both seek to support each others happiness and communicate instead of control.

People tried to talk me out of running for president. Never let weak controlling people kill your spirit.

Don’t allow yourself to be mad over something that’s not in your control.

What you’re trying to control is already controlling you.

Religion, social status, and property are all sources of power and authority which one man has, to control the liberty of another.

Music is something no one can control.

A nation that cannot control its borders is not a nation.

It is hard to fight desire; but to control it is the sign of a reasonable man.