I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
W. C. FIELDSI don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m indebted to her for.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. FIELDS -
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
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I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
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You can’t cheat an honest man.
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There’s no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
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Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
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If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
W. C. FIELDS -
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
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I never eat before breakfast.
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
W. C. FIELDS