If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. FIELDSI don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
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This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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I’m free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
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I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.
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It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.
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Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
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Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.
W. C. FIELDS -
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness… I thought I’d lost it.
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Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.
W. C. FIELDS