“I never met a kid I liked.”

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

I drink with impunity, or anyone else who invites me.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

You can’t cheat an honest man.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

Sex isn’t necessary. You don’t die without it, but you can die having it.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be seeing six or seven.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.

If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

It is well to remember that there are five reasons for drinking: the arrival of a friend, one’s present or future thirst, the excellence of the cognac, or any other reason.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.

Our memory is childish and it saves only what we need.

I love fatherhood. I could bang on about kids forever.

I loved my baby dolls when I was a kid. I used to pray with them and say good night to each and every one of them because I didn’t want their feelings to get hurt. I remember having that connection with my baby dolls.

I will not allow myself to lose the child in me.

A childlike mind in its simplicity practises that science of good to which the wise may be blind.

I was an ambitious child and I tended to be scatterbrained. If I was at school and saw a bird outside the window I wanted to follow it. I was adventurous.

I like watching film, I go to the cinema, but a lot of times I go to see kids’ films.

I gave you seven children, but now you want to give them back.