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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W. C. Fields

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Judgement Life Nation Need Wife
I never met a kid I liked.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Myself One Liner
I only drink to steady my nerves, sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself
I never eat before breakfast.
W. C. FIELDS

Eat Myself One Liner
Anyone who hates children and animals can’t be all bad.
W. C. FIELDS

Animal Bad Children Hate
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. FIELDS

Funny Myself Time
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
W. C. FIELDS

Break Himself Honesty Man Myself Smart Yourself
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Advice Age Alcohol Authority Give Up Myself
I never smoked a cigar in my life until I was nine.
W. C. FIELDS

Life Myself Young
Drat! Being the encapsulated view of life.
W. C. FIELDS

Life View
The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
W. C. FIELDS

Himself Mom
I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
W. C. FIELDS

Age Food Myself Need
Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDS

Children Hate See
A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. FIELDS

Herself Thankful Woman
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
W. C. FIELDS

Father Myself Prison
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.
W. C. FIELDS

Alcohol Myself People Religious Sanity

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

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Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

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