Children should neither be seen or heard from – ever again.
W. C. FIELDSReality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
More W. C. Fields Quotes
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When you wake up in the morning, smile – and get it over with.
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The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.
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I never met a kid I liked.
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The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.
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Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, You can’t cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
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The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.
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I never voted for anybody. I always voted against.
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I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Don’t worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
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Prayers never bring anything, They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy – but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
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When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
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I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
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I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
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During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.
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Never give a sucker an even break.
W. C. FIELDS






