“Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.”

It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.

Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

I never eat before breakfast.

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

It’s a funny old world. A man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Now don’t say you can’t swear off drinking; it’s easy. I’ve done it a thousand times.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.

My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

It’s the wise man who stays home when he’s drunk.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Alcohol is the devil and I need Chinese food.

If alcohol is legal, I don’t see why people still have a ban on marijuana.

The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Wine is sunlight, held together by water.

I’m an old-fashioned guy. I want to be an old man with a beer belly sitting on a porch, looking at a lake or something.

I drink to make other people more interesting.