“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”

Reality: What a concept!

The idea of having a steady job is appealing.

You’re best when you’re not in charge. The ego locks the muse.

If you’re that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.

Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you’ll win, no matter what the outcome.

You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying attention to.

I love kids, but they are a tough audience.

When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

My favorite thing to do is ride a bicycle. I ride road bikes. And for me, it’s mobile meditation.

After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn’t mean choking on the bone.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: “Oh, here comes another asshole

Anything that is not funny at a certain point will be funny.

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn’t get out, something is seriously wrong.

I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I’m a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone’s life.

Travel becomes a strategy for accumulating photographs.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.