“If there are no dogs on Heaven, then when I die, I want to go where they went.”

There are men running governments who shouldn’t be allowed to play with matches.

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

People’s minds are changed through observation and not through argument.

It’s not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

The short memories of the American voters is what keeps our politicians in office.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.

I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.

Democrats are the only reason to vote for Republicans.

We always want the best man to win an election. Unfortunately, he never runs.

Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.

All I know is just what I read in the papers, and that’s an alibi for my ignorance.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Everything is funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else.

Fear not death for the sooner we die, the longer we shall be immortal.

Most grievous of all deaths it is to die of hunger.

We have art in order not to die of the truth.

It is nothing to die. It is frightful not to live.

The family exists for many reasons, but its most basic function may be to draw together after a member dies.

I could die for you. But I couldn’t, and wouldn’t, live for you.

Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.

Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well.