What I’d like to do now – well, what I’d like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.
BILL BAILEYThree blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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This shed does not contain me.
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I’m sort of like a post-modern vegetarian; I eat meat ironically.
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I spent my childhood scrambling round badgers and foxes and playing fantastic country kid games like knocking on people’s doors and running away. God that was a good game.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Thank God for Darwin, eh?
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
BILL BAILEY







