“Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.”

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They’re still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.

Bing Crosby and I weren’t the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other.

Pebble Beach is Alcatraz with grass.

I’ve been playing the game so long that my handicap is in Roman numerals.

Whenever I play with him , I usually try to make it a foursome – the President, myself, a paramedic and a faith healer.

I asked the colonel what type of aircraft it was, and he said, “Don’t worry about it, Bob. . . if you can see it, it’s obsolete.”

I don’t know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

I get upset over a bad shot just like anyone else. But it’s silly to let the game get to you.

You know what a fan letter is – it’s just an inky raspberry.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies

Bing Crosby and I play a lot of golf together and I have a small course at my place where we often play for side stakes.

I led such a sheltered life I didn’t go out with girls until I was almost four.

The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe.

Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America’s biggest export is now the Oscar.

And the only people I fear are those who never have doubts… Save us all from arrogant men, and all the causes they’re for.

It’s weird that people expect me to be funny. I find it a real burden when I’m expected to be humorous on talk shows.

I like the word “indolence.” It makes my laziness seem classy.

Young singers ask me, “Do I have to live in New York?” I say, “You can live wherever you want-as long as people think you live in New York.”

I use humour a lot. My foundation is tragic, but my appearance is humorous.

Take motherhood: nobody ever thought of putting it on a moral pedestal until some brash feminists pointed out, about a century ago, that the pay is lousy and the career ladder nonexistent.