“It’s very frustrating making a picture in Paris. We work hard all day at the studio to get a love scene just right. Then, on my way home, I see couples on every street corner doing it better.”

Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands

US President Gerald Ford’s golf was so bad we thought he was a ‘Hitman for the PGA!

A few years ago he had a big heart transplant in Chicago, a five-hour operation. It took the doctors four hours to get him on the operating table.

We had a very successful trip to Russia. We made it back.

There are many talented English personalities, but unfortunately they were all in Hollywood.

We continue to negotiate and hope that this will quickly be resolved.

[on pop idol Donny Osmond] He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

Thus to share in the sufferings of Christ is, at the same time, to suffer for the kingdom of God. In the eyes of the just God, before his judgment. Those who share in the sufferings of Christ become worthy of this kingdom.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it?

People from the rock and roll world have felt for years that electronic music had no soul, but now electronic music can not only have soul but have all the shapes in the world.

Golf is my real profession. Entertainment is just a sideline. I tell jokes to pay my greens fees.

I was like, boy, I feel so good when I run, if everybody could feel like this, this sense of joy and physical well-being and strength and autonomy you have when you run, how much better the world would be, you know?

I’m from Los Angeles… I don’t trust any air I can’t see.

Jack Benny really liked my book. I know because he called me up from the library and told me.

Arnold Palmer is the biggest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility.

Cypress Point is such a beautiful place, but it’s also very exclusive. They had a very successful membership drive last month. They drove out forty members.

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the cigar ashes.

Contrary to what certain comedians have led you to believe, the national French pastime is picnicking.

I used to have Mad Cow’s disease, but I’m alright Nooooooooow.

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

Rock and roll is catching on all over . . . France . . . England . . . They even have it in Japan, only over there they call it judo.

Eighty is when you order a steak and the headwaiter puts it through the blender. Or when you wake up as many times during the night as Burt Reynolds, but not for the same reason.

The help (in Japan) is very polite. They bow so much, you don’t know which end to talk to.

Free speech isn’t dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers.