This shed does not contain me.
BILL BAILEYThe reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
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How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! …no eight!
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
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Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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I once punched a bloke in the face for saying ‘Hawk the Slayer’ was rubbish, when what I should have said ‘Dad, you’re wrong.’
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
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Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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Nostalgia: How long’s that been around?
BILL BAILEY







