There’s more evil in the charts than an Al-Qaeda suggestion box.
BILL BAILEYThe reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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There we go, that’s it. I just hold my hand in this position for the next couple of hours.
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So many beautiful things, I cannot possess them all!
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This shed does not contain me.
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But our country’s equivalent of gritty reality is more like “Look out Sarge, he’s got a shooter!”
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise. Horrible chocolate; nasty little toy: a double-whammy of disillusionment! Sometimes I eat the toy out of sheer despair.
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Contentment is knowing you’re right
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Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!
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Work hard, save and live within your means.
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Three women walk into a pub and say, ‘Hooray, we’ve colonised a male-dominated joke format’
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Three blokes go into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability.
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I never really thought comedy was a career option, just something I did for fun. Suddenly I realised I was getting paid which was a bonus. I studied for a diploma with the London College of Music, and teaching was something I thought I might do but comedy intervened.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it’s a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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Marijuana? It’s harmless really, unless you fashion it into a club and beat somebody over the head with it
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You remind me of the Siberian hunting spider, which adopts a highly convincing limp in three of its eight legs in order to attract its main prey.
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The so-called Samaritan squirrel, which takes pity on the spider, and then the spider jumps on it and injects the paralyzing venom, while the squirrel remains bafflingly philosophical about the whole thing.
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Not to be confused with the Ukrainian hunting spider, which actually has got a limp and is, as such, completely harmless, and a little bit bitter about the whole thing.
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In Unity there is strength; We can move mountains when we’re united and enjoy life – Without unity we are victims. Stay united.
BILL BAILEY