“People always snap and think they’re Jesus. How come no one ever snaps and thinks they’re Buddha?”

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your f-kin’ mouth.

It has become more and more obvious that there is one political party in America, and that is The Business Party.

Mister, I don’t want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don’t even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain’t looking for no trouble, Mister.

What did moths bump into before the electric light bulb was invented? Boy, the lightbulb really screwed the moth up didn’t it? Are there moths on their way to the sun now going, It’s gonna be worth it!.

I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love everything.” Yeah, now if that isn’t a hazard to our country…

What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.

Do I have a message? Yes, I do. Here’s my message: as scary as the world is – and it is – it is merely a ride …

I do not believe making money in order to consume goods is mankind’s sole purpose on this planet. If you’re wondering what I believe our purpose on this planet is, I’ll give you a hint… it has to do with creating and sharing.

What kind of people are these with such low self-esteem that they need a war to feel better about themselves?

Writing, acting, music, comedy. A deep love of literature and books. Thank God for all the artists who’ve helped me.

I don’t like anything in the mainstream and they don’t like me.

Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?

I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.

Rock stars hawking Diet Cokes–are demons set loose on the Earth to lower the standards for the perfect & holy children of God!

Sixteen years I’ve pounded my head against the mentality of America, which…I’d say it’s about an 8th grade emotional level.

I was in Australia….Lotta leg room down under. Apartments: dollar a month. 2000-acre den….think of the parties.

Church is what you do. Church is who you are. Church is the human outworking of the person of Jesus Christ. Let’s not go to Church, let’s be the Church.

It’s a beautiful religion and I wish I understood it more. No, I don’t want to understand it all. It’s beautiful because it’s always a mystery.

The Gates of Hell shall not prevail against it.

I went to school for a short period of time to study fashion. I wanted to become a stylist or a designer. I made clothes when I was a teenager that I used to sell online. My label name was “Baby Jesus” – so incredibly stupid, but whatever, I was 17!

God brought me to Himself at about the age of 4. My parents were devout believers and my Dad was in Bible College at the time.

O Jesus and Mary, let my entire consolation in this world be to love you and to suffer for sinners.

Feel your feelings. What you bring forth will save you.

I was scared of the Bible – it seemed whenever I read it I got bad luck. Then I befriended a couple of Jesus’s disciples and I used to show them modern life – how to run the hot and cold taps and things like that. They seemed alright but it didn’t change my feelings about the Bible jinx.