“Go back to bed America, your government is in control again. Go back to bed America… you are free to do as we tell you… you are free to do as we tell you.”

Why would you live your life worrying about something that’s not going to happen?

I’m the worst at picking what movies are going to do well. I have no idea. I’m really surprised if a movie I like does well.

The definition of black irony is Pro-lifers killing Doctors who do abortions

Just work. Don’t wait. Everybody’s waiting until they have the perfect idea to start working. Even if you have an inkling of what you want to do, start moving towards it. And it’s going to flesh itself out through the process of moving towards the goal.

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

Good policy always trumps bad public relations and the best PR can’t trump bad policy.

I hope that my stories serve as explorations and help show readers how and why real-life women don’t always make the “correct” decisions in the face of economic and sexual troubles.

We’ll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them. And Eve said, Yeah… it’s just not enough is it?

The attitude of unhappiness is not only painful, it is mean and ugly.

We killed 6 innocent people, launching 22, I think $3 million apiece missiles on Baghdad…that’s a little bit overdoing it.

If you meet somebody who says he or she has never dreamed of flying, I don’t believe you. I mean, they’re lying.

On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: “I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.”

I’m not the Carter who’ll never tell a lie.

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I’ll prove it to you. You’re at a ball game or a concert, and someone’s really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot?

All your beliefs, they’re just that. They’re nothing. They’re how you were taught and raised. That doesn’t make ’em real.

God has this…hobby. He creates perfection. This world is not perfect. We have to learn to separate illusions from reality.