“On the theft of his material by Denis Leary: “I have a scoop for you. I stole his act. I camouflaged it with punchlines, and to really throw people off, I did it before he did.””

I don’t care if you’re obscene, filthy, horrendous — as long as you’re honest.

Sometimes my dad even gets on this kick–‘You hate this country’….I have to tell him…I just hate being lied to.

To me pornography is…spending all your money and not educating the people in America, but spending it instead on weapons.

Isn’t that weird, we’ve made nature against the law. That’s how un-natural we’ve become.

I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

There is a 3rd point of view on the gun control issue – those who I refer to as THE VICTIMS – but they remain strangely silent.

I was a weekend drinker…I’d start on Saturday, end on Friday…thought I was controlling it…but I don’t drink any more.

Music is a great energizer. It’s a language everybody knows.

The CIA has a plot…they’ve used before to get rid of world leaders. Only problem…is convincing Hussein…to fly to Dallas.

Humanity is just a virus with shoes.

I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us…to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.

Just a simple choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your doors, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

I…am an evolved being who deals solely with the source of light…in all of us in our own minds. No middleman required.

People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the planet Earth. Little to the left.

The role of the comedian is to say ‘Wait a minute’ when a consensus starts to form.

This Bud’s for yooouuuu.” C’mon, everybody, let’s be hypocritical bastards. It’s okay to drink your drug. We meant those other drugs. Those untaxed drugs. Those are the ones that are bad for you.