I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, “Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen guest.” This guy was reaching.
BILL HICKSI had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.
More Bill Hicks Quotes
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I believe that the Bible is the literal word of God. And I say no, it’s not, Dad. Well, I believe that it is. Well, you know, some people believe they’re Napoleon. That’s fine. Beliefs are neat. Cherish them, but don’t share them like they’re the truth.
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I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.
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The Voice of Reason is in us all…and everyone can recognize it because it makes sense and everyone benefits from it equally.
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We are losing the ‘War on Drugs,’ which means there’s a war going on and people on drugs are winning it.
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I wouldn’t give Satan a snowball’s chance in Hell against a woman’s ego.
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Is it impossible to imagine Americans sneaking into Mexico en masse, seeking regular employment and a better way of life?
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The war on drugs to me is absolutely phoney, its so obviously phoney, ok? It’s a war against our civil rights, that’s all it is. They’re using it to make us afraid to go out at night, afraid of each other, so that we lock ourselves in our homes and they get suspending our rights one by one.
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I’ve had good times on drugs…bad times on drugs…But I’ve had good and bad relationships…and I’m not giving up pussy.
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What’s gonna happen to the arms industry when we realize we’re all one. Ha ha ha ha ha! It’s gonna fuck up the economy!
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Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally on our planet, serves a thousand different functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the law is like saying that God made a mistake.
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We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs. You do know that, right?
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I don’t do drugs anymore… than, say, the average touring funk band.
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What before seemed a…frustrating wall, the comic deftly and fearlessly steps through, proving the absurdity of it all.
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Are gun rights advocates arguing that roving gangs…shooting innocent bystanders constitutes a ‘well-regulated militia’?
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Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added ’em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years.
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You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I’m not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that’s the connection they’re trying to make.
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Nicotine patches are great. Stick one over each eye and you can’t find your fags.
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Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that’s their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm… Sounds like… every commercial on television, doesn’t it?
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I’m just trying to rid the world of all these fevered egos that are tainting our collective unconscious.
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No one can give you any answers. There aren’t any. You have to discover for yourself-you must learn to navigate the mystery.
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You think when Jesus comes back, he really wants to see a cross? That’s like going up to Jackie Onassis with a rifle pendant on.
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I believe we all have the Voice of Reason inside us…to gently lead us out of our own self-created hells.
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Good comedy helps people know they’re not alone. Great comedy provides an answer.
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Speaking of Satan, I was watching Rush Limbaugh the other day.
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…love rather than fear…this radical philosophy is coming from me, an avowed misanthrope…surely there is hope for us all.
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I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’
BILL HICKS