Contentment is knowing you’re right
BILL BAILEYTonight’s show is about doubt. Or maybe it isn’t – haven’t made my mind up yet.
More Bill Bailey Quotes
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Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.
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A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says “Why the long face?”. The horse replies: “I’m deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law.”
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The BBC did a survey of the top 50 things to do before we die. Not while we’re still alive, before we die.
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People say ‘Bill, are you an optimist?’ And I say, ‘I hope so.’
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I’m quite lucky, because I’ve got a small, decorative concrete pig.
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I’m a vegetarian, I’m not strict. I eat fish. And duck, but they’re nearly fish aren’t they.
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The way we live in the West we live like kings. People moan about this and that in Britain but we have running water, electricity, security and a rule of law and so many people in the world don’t have these.
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I’m English and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.
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I think we’ve missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of Velcro… to catch whatever it is that’s forming those crop circles! But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding Velcro, so it’s a bit of a long shot.
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I am a confectionery-based existentialist.
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Stupid National Anthem… Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? “Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit.”
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The reason we’d stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom.
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Add a drop of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you’re laughing at it.
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I feel sorry for James Blunt, he has to wake up every morning and think ‘Oh my God, I’m James Blunt, what have I done?’
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My wife bought me a vintage Gibson guitar that isn’t just beautiful but has tremendous sentimental value. I have plenty of guitars for live gigs but this is one to treasure.
BILL BAILEY