“Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.”

Honesty pays, but it doesn’t seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Never tell the box-office man that you can’t hear well or he will sell you a seat where you can’t see either.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.

Very often the quiet fellow has said all he knows

Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.

Many a family tree needs trimming

Intelligent people are always on the unpopular side of anything.

Nobuddy ever listened t’ reason on a empty stomach.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

When a woman says, ‘I don’t wish to mention any names’, it means it ain’t necessary to mention any names.

There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an’ it keeps on laughin’.

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed

Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart…filled it, too, with melody that would last forever.

Advent: the time to listen for footsteps – you can’t hear footsteps when you’re running yourself.

Roses are reddish Violets are bluish If it weren’t for Christmas We’d all be Jewish.

Now, the essence, the very spirit of Christmas is that we first make believe a thing is so, and lo, it presently turns out to be so. – Stephen Leacockof Christmas trees around the house, so it smells good.

The next thing I wrote was in a writing class at night school. It was about a poor woman who worked at a dime store and who was all alone for Christmas in Laurel, Mississippi.

Dear Lord, I’ve been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us…

You can’t allow the forces of political correction to shut you up. I mean, why are people afraid to say, ‘Merry Christmas?’ Give me a break. If people don’t like it, yeah, they can go do something else.

Criticism can never instruct or benefit you. Its chief effect is that of a telegram with dubious news. Praise leaves no glow behind, for it is a writer’s habit to remember nothing good of himself.