“Look out for the people who allow you to do all the talking.”

An optimist is a fellow who believes what’s going to be will be postponed

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he’s overcharging you.

Flattery won’t hurt you if you don’t swallow it.

One of the simple but genuine pleasures in life is getting up in the morning and hurrying to a mousetrap you set the night before.

It’s going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

“Why doesn’t the fellow who says, “I’m no speechmaker,” let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? “

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son

University: … a place where rich men send their sons who have no aptitude for business.

One of the commonest ailments of the present day is the premature formation of opinion.

I never saw an athletic girl that thought she was strong enough to do indoor work.

A fellow ought to save a few of the long evenings he spends with his girl till after they’re married.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

Deep down in the Christian’s life, always and all the time, there is to be a “no” to every demand that the flesh may make for recognition, and every demand that the flesh may make for approval.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

Not all those who know their minds know their hearts as well.

It is often laziness and timidity that keep us within our duty while virtue gets all the credit.

A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care of all to acquire.

I am a weak and sinful man, but God put His hands on me, that is all.

All I care about is that people who like me think I’m funny. I get on with writing pretty straight-down the line, old-fashioned stuff.

We come altogether fresh and raw into the several stages of life, and often find ourselves without experience, despite our years.