I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
PHYLLIS DILLERBefore you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
PHYLLIS DILLER