Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER