Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER






