When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
PHYLLIS DILLERIf your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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