My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLERIf my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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self-pity is better than none.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER