I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLER






