All mothers are working mothers.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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