When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
PHYLLIS DILLERDoctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER