“Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.”

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’

A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Hey, Hachi People always say that you only discover how precious something is after you lose it— but I think, you only really recognize it… when you see it a second time face to face. -Nana Osaki

The embassy was active here after the revolution. We didn’t have any problem with them. They started it.

After all, our families–our ancestors–are our identities. Biology is destiny.

It was a fleeting statement, one I didn’t think she’d hold on to; after all, she had birthed us alone, diapered and fed us, helped us with homework, kissed and hugged us, poured her love into us.

Do not seek after what you yearn for, seek the source of the yearning itself.

This year we watched the collapse of Mali, a consequence of the Libyan civil war. The south of Libya and Mali, and Niger too, are well on the way to becoming a no-man’s land. After 9/11,

Knowledge will appear in turn the merest ignorance to those who come after us. Yet it is not to be despised.

They only go after what they know they can get.