Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
PHYLLIS DILLER






