You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
PHYLLIS DILLER