I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
PHYLLIS DILLERAlways be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
PHYLLIS DILLER