You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER






