My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERI never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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All mothers are working mothers.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLER