My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLER