I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER






