Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
PHYLLIS DILLER






