The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLERRemarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER