I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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To get a roaster clean, send something like baked apples in it to a neighbor. Neighbors always return pans spotless, and you won’t have to use a blow torch on it like you usually do.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
PHYLLIS DILLER






