A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER






