Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER