You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER