A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER