I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
PHYLLIS DILLERNever go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER