You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER