Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER