My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
PHYLLIS DILLER