Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLERBurt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m looking for a perfume to overpower men – I’m sick of karate.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
PHYLLIS DILLER