“The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.

I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.

I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.

I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.

Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.

This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

It isn’t possible to love and part. You will wish that it was. You can transmute love, ignore it, muddle it, but you can never pull it out of you. I know by experience that the poets are right: love is eternal.

You are always naked when you start writing; you are always as if you had never written anything before; you are always a beginner.

I’ve never paid too much attention to what other people have said or to what other people have tried to make me be.

The problem to be solved, the mystery to be clarified. It is never a matter of civil war; even though of different opinions, or of different political leanings, scientists dispute each other, they compete.

I will never forget that day. I just wanted to see Kurt Cobain’s face. I had a feeling he was very cute. But, I couldn’t see his face.

I’ve never had to fend for a child’s life, which sounds very terrifying.

It’s never been seen that a street artist go as far as I’ve gone – keep consistent without wanting to do a bunch of ventures outside of music to keep my face out there.

I never fall in love.