The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER