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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

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All Life Own Real Thing

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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
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