My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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Oh, that dog! Ever hear of a German Shepherd that bites its nails? Barks with a lisp? You say, “Attack!” And he has one. All he does is piddle. He’s nothing but a fur-covered kidney that barks.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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self-pity is better than none.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
PHYLLIS DILLER