The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
PHYLLIS DILLERMy own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
PHYLLIS DILLER






