“I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!”

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.

Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?

I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.

When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.

I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.

The constants all through the centuries will be the same; wine, women and song. Other than that, life will be very different technologically. In the year 3000 the universe will be expanding as it will forever, infinitely. We will probe outer space but never find life as evolutionized as ours

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

These folks are creative and ironic, and the government can ultimately not control what is going on in their heads.

If you want to understand a nation, look at its dances and listen to its folk songs – don’t pay any attention to its politicians.

As an actor, I just like to make people happy, make them laugh. That’s our job, to entertain, and if I’m entertaining you folks, then I’m happy.

From the early days of the telegraph, to be a telegrapher was a job, and there weren’t many of those folks. T

Celebrities and ‘famous’ people are just regular folks. I know, it’s a shocking and potentially dangerous statement.

Don’t tell me it doesn’t work. Torture works. Okay, folks?

The hard-working folks across this country deserve an economy that supports them.

When ignorant folks want to advertise their ignorance, you don’t really have to do anything, you just let them talk.