If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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In most states you can get a driver’s license when you’re sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.
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The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
PHYLLIS DILLER