I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old when your walker has an airbag.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
PHYLLIS DILLER






