Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
PHYLLIS DILLERThe real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
-
-
My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
PHYLLIS DILLER -
If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
PHYLLIS DILLER -
self-pity is better than none.
PHYLLIS DILLER






