I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
PHYLLIS DILLER