Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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self-pity is better than none.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Aim high, and you won’t shoot your foot off.
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Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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