I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!
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The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
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Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
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Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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My body’s in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
PHYLLIS DILLER