Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
PHYLLIS DILLERNothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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Health – what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
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They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I never made `Who’s Who,’ but I’m featured in `What’s That?’
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Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
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His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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I’ve tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t’ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
PHYLLIS DILLER