We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
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When you play spin the bottle, if they don’t want to kiss you they have to give you a quarter. Well, hell, by the time I was twelve years old I owned my own home.
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I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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The doctor looked my body over. I said: Is there any hope? He said: Yes. Reincarnation.
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You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say, ‘Take off your clothes’?
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My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.
PHYLLIS DILLER