I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.
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Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
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Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
PHYLLIS DILLER






