The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.
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This woman goes into a gun shop and says, ‘I want to buy a gun for my husband.’ The clerk says, ‘Did he tell you what kind of gun?’ ‘No,’ she replied. ‘He doesn’t even know I’m going to shoot him.
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It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
PHYLLIS DILLER






