Comedy is tragedy revisited.
PHYLLIS DILLERI once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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My photographs don’t do me justice – they just look like me.
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Before you get married you should meet your fiance’s parents. It is not enough that you like his parole officer.
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You know you’re old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you’re barefoot.
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If your husband wants to lick the beaters on the mixer, shut them off before you give them to him.
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It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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I asked the waiter, ‘Is this milk fresh?’ He said, ‘Lady, three hours ago it was grass.’
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There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anybody I know.
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If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, ‘Who could have done this? We have no enemies!’
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If my jeans could talk, they’d plead for mercy.
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I’m eighteen years behind in my ironing.
PHYLLIS DILLER