You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
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Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
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The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing at you.
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The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
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I like to serve chocolate cake, because it doesn’t show the dirt.
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I don’t know how you feel about old age… but in my case I didn’t even see it coming. It hit me from the rear.
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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
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My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle
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Comedy is tragedy revisited.
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Remarrying a husband you’ve divorced is like having your appendix put back in.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
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I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in the mouth by Miss Congeniality.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
PHYLLIS DILLER






