Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
PHYLLIS DILLERA terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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When I go to the beach, even the tide won’t come in.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
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We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
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… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
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Do not taste food while you’re cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
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I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.
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If you don’t have wrinkles, you haven’t laughed enough.
PHYLLIS DILLER