“A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.”

Comedy is tragedy revisited.

Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.

The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop… and that was for the estimate.

I was so wrinkled I could screw my hats on.

I always wondered how I could tell when the right one came along – but it was easy. He was the only one that came along.

self-pity is better than none.

My mother hated me. Once she took me to an orphanage and told me to mingle

But what you realise after you’ve been in the business for a while is that people develop opinions about you that don’t have anything to do with your music, they like or dislike you for a million reasons, they like or dislike you for your last record.

For a first look at someone we may sleep with, or a last look at someone we love.

Why couldn’t we learn from the devastatingly low percentage of successful marriages that our last generation went through?

Things have gotten openly more extreme in the last few years. I was lecturing in Hungary, whose prime minister, Victor Orban, is an example of this trend.

Listen to your cool, drunk uncle who tells you to lie. Those are the relationships that last.

A long December and there’s reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last.

Creating something new is easy, creating something that lasts is the challenge.

Indians don’t last in prison. They weren’t born for it like the whites.