I was the world’s ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.
PHYLLIS DILLER… if they [your children] write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
More Phyllis Diller Quotes
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My own laugh is the real thing and I’ve had it all my life.
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Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
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By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
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Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
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A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
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Life is a do-it-yourself kit, so do it yourself. Work. Practice.
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A terrible thing happened to me last night again—nothing.
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My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
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Every time I go near the stove, the dog howls.
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I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.
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Next to gold and jewelry, health is the most important thing you can have.
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Doctors say it’s okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.
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I was the world’s ugliest baby. I have photos of my folks leaving the hospital with sacks over their heads… I asked my mother how to turn off the electric fan. She said ‘Grab the blade!
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I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.
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Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
PHYLLIS DILLER