My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD